GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: JACK’S TONIC
WARNING: Never drink a 150-Year-old Snake Oil Tonic—My Aunt did, and now she’s not human anymore
They told me the old milk house hadn’t been opened since 1947. My great-grandfather, Jack “The Milk Man,” died there—collapsed by the churn with his boots on. The room had stayed sealed ever since, the cold stone cellar beneath it undisturbed.
Until now.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: SEE EMILY PLAY
This is a warning. If you hear kids calling outside your window after 2AM—don’t go. Don’t answer. And whatever you do, don’t say your name.
There’s something wrong with my street, and it starts after midnight. You’ll hear laughter—children playing. Sometimes tag, sometimes jump rope, sometimes just… calling.
But we all know better. You don’t open the window. You don’t peek through the blinds. You never go outside.
I told Emily this, but she didn’t believe me. She thought it was just some dumb story I made up to scare her.
She doesn’t think that anymore.
Because she’s gone.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR
Raymond Kessler’s father was, quite literally, a trust fund. Groomed into a vapid vessel devoid of empathy, Raymond pissed away his inheritance on the finest drugs, the loudest cars, and the trendiest clothes. He replenished his fortune by gutting pensions through the family business and selling conspiracy supplements to men who hated their wives. He believed aliens were real, we live in a simulation, and women were mostly decorative buckets for his sperm.
So when a shadow dealer in Morocco offered him a strange object—carved from jet-black meteorite, with spindled horns and a vaguely feminine shape—he wired $4.5 million instantly.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE CROOKED ONE
(HE WHO HAUNTS THE TOWPATH - as told in German Flatts, New York – circa late 1850s)
In the late 1850s, the towpath connecting Ilion and Mohawk, New York, was a vital link along the Erie Canal, bustling with activity. Running parallel to the Mohawk River, it was not only a hub of commerce but also a place of whispered legends among the locals.
One such tale was that of The Crooked One.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE JESTER
My family is dead and everyone thinks I killed them—but it was the Jester, I swear.
I didn’t hurt anyone. He did. He tricked me. It was all just a joke. A bad joke.
I’m getting out tomorrow. Ten years in juvie. They say I’ve made “progress.” That I’ve “accepted responsibility.”
But they’re wrong. I didn’t kill my family. I was the victim. Preyed upon by that toy—that evil thing.
The Jester.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE FEAST
I should have known something was off the moment I downloaded an app specializing in underground food pop-ups. It was just another weak attempt by me to fit in with the young millennials at work. But this was the perfect chance to get Vanessa to go on a date with me.
“Sublime Bites” had no address, no reviews—just an invitation-only system and the promise of a "once-in-a-lifetime underground dining experience." As a programmer whose whole world is based on logic, I should’ve been skeptical. But as a single, socially awkward man trying to impress his way-out-of-his-league date, I was admittedly desperate.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE HOLE
I still dream about the fire. The way the flames clawed at the old barn, the smell of burning wood and something worse. The way my little brother screamed for me to save him.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE KINDRED GLITCH
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: Sasquatch’S AWAKENING
Alone in the woods, Dave had eaten way too many psychedelic mushrooms. So when a massive figure—hairier than an overgrown lawn, with eyes that glowed like fireflies emerged from the shadows and stood over his campfire, he didn’t even panic.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: CHAMP 2.0
Billy Walsh was a shitty, mad scientist whose anger caused a lot of issues in his life. With an emphasis on mad—he was also an arrogant, grudge holding asshole with mommy issues, whose rich parents footed the bill for his life. The people of Ticonderoga, NY, had shunned him after The Incident (which involved a genetically mutated squirrel, a taser, and an unfortunate explosion at the Stewart’s gas station). But tonight, revenge would be his.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: MARIO’S SPECIAL PIZZA
Mario, the lab’s most promising chimpanzee, had always been curious. His handlers, marveled at his growing intellect as they pumped him full of experimental pharmaceuticals. The VR headset, designed to boost his cognitive abilities, was his gateway to a new world. The only thing Mario loved more than the pizza he was given for doing a good job in VR by his favorite scientist, Dr. Kim, was the world itself. He excelled at navigating through it unlike the other chimps—those vibrant landscapes, the endless possibilities were a respite from the real world and cruelness at the hands of Dr. Keller. But today, something was different.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: RABBIT MEAT
Ben awoke violently to the sound of a large thud. The smell of damp earth and rot filled his nose as he opened his eyes. His wrists burned from the ropes binding him to the cold, wooden floor of the dilapidated house. He turned, realizing now, that the noise that brought him back to consciousness was his best friend, Jake. His lifeless body leaked a pool of blood onto the floor. A grotesque, half-rabbit figure stood over him menacingly. Ben looked into its eyes, glowing with malevolent hunger. The cultists, draped in filthy, ragged rabbit masks, left the room. Ben could see them through the open door in the hallway as they circled the altar, chanting in a language that made his skin crawl.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE DEMON’S DESERT
Grandma rocked in her chair, the firelight flickering in her cloudy eyes. “Your great-grandfather told me stories, bambina. From Calabria, where he was a boy. Dark stories.”
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: WOLFMOTHER
Rachel crouched in the darkness, fingertips brushing the metal band at the base of her skull. Below, five men laughed—her family’s murderers.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL
Stephanie had always been curious about the mushroom gummies her friends raved about. One warm July evening, she donned her mother's vintage Motley Crue "Shout at the Devil" shirt and snuck out to meet Fiona and Katie behind the library. Eagerly, she grabbed a handful of Katie's psilocybin treats, consuming four times the recommended dosage before they all shared a joint to kickstart the experience.
GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: LENA
Lena had never seen the app before. A black icon with a blinking red eye sat on her home screen, though she didn’t remember installing it. Curious, she tapped it.
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