GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: THE CURIOUS CASE OF JORGE THE VAMPIRE HORSE

The Curious Case of Jorge the Vampire Horse

This is Jorge.
Jorge was a good little horse.
He came from Mexico.
He didn’t have papers—just dreams.

This is the Man in the Red Hat.
He was not the sharpest tool in the shed.
He was very mean.
He hid behind a cross and a gun.
And he treated politics like his favorite sports team.

The Man in the Red Hat hated Jorge.
But he couldn’t sell him.
Jorge was his wife’s horse and she just died of cancer.
They couldn’t afford health care to pay the hospital bills.
They lost their social security and the tariffs killed their farm.
The Man in the Red Hat blamed “the Mexicans.”

The Man in the Red Hat didn’t feed Jorge.
He left him in the cold.
He told Jorge that this was his country and he should go back to his
He hit Jorge with a whip.
That was a mistake.

That night, Jorge ran.
He ran into the woods.
There he met…
Cortez the Killer--A Friendly Vampire.

Cortez was hiding in the woods.
He loved horses.
He hated ICE.
They had raided his castle.
They deported his familiar who was a US citizen.

Cortez looked at Jorge.
Jorge looked back.
“I wonder,” Cortez said,
“Can a horse become… immortal?”
He drank Jorge’s blood.
And Jorge—
Changed.

Now Jorge could fly.
He could think.
He could talk!
Telepathically, of course.

“I want revenge,” said Jorge.
“I want justice and freedom,” said Cortez.
“But first,” Jorge neighed,
“Let’s burn some shit down.”

That night the Man in the Red Hat
came home from church with his GOD HATES HEAVY METAL signs.
He had yelled at teens for being in a Metallica cover band.
He was ready to relax.
With PornHub, lotion and a laptop.

That’s when Jorge kicked in the door.
He screamed like a banshee.
He stomped the man’s Johnson he held in his hand.
He bit his neck.
He pooped on his corpse.
It was beautiful.

The Jesus candle tipped.
The house caught fire.
Jorge trotted off.
To find the Friendly Vampire.

Cortez hopped on Jorge’s back.
Canada bound.
“People always feared the occult,”
laughed Cortez, as they crossed the border.
“In the end…”
Jorge neighed,
“…it was just a cult they should have feared most.”

Art and story by Hal Hefner.
Produced by Catmonkey Studio