GOD HATES HEAVY METAL: CHAMP 2.0

Billy Walsh was a shitty, mad scientist whose anger caused a lot of issues in his life. With an emphasis on mad—he was also an arrogant, grudge holding asshole with mommy issues, whose rich parents footed the bill for his life. The people of Ticonderoga, NY, had shunned him after The Incident (which involved a genetically mutated squirrel, a taser, and an unfortunate explosion at the Stewart’s gas station). But tonight, revenge would be his.

Deep in his laboratory—a converted Red Lobster basement—Billy cackled as he unveiled his greatest creation: a cloned, genetically enhanced lake monster using the DNA of a plesiosaurs and a crocodile. “Behold, CHAMP-2.0!” he screeched, pressing a button to release the creature into Lake Champlain.

The plan was simple: lure his enemies—Mayor Haskins, the guy who banned him from the library, Chief Mosher, the cop who reminded him often that his wealth did not elevate him above the law, and that smug bastard Steve from the hardware store—down to the lake with the promise of free beer. Then he’d let his pet creature devour them.

But there was a problem, unbeknownst to Billy. As he gathered the men on the banks of the lake he used a device to lure the creature to him. The beast answered the call but Champ-2.0 had grown since Billy released it into Lake Champlain just a night ago. And not just a little. Instead of the sleek, ancient nightmare Billy had designed, it had ballooned into a 200-foot, snaggle-toothed abomination.

“Uh…what the fuck? It’s Champ!” Billy muttered as the beast slithered onto shore, screeching like a dying car alarm.

It turned its gaze on Billy

“Whoa there, big guy! Eat now, feast on them, I command you, I am—your father!”

Champ-2.0 responded by vomiting a gallon of glowing green sludge before unhinging its jaw and grabbing Billy by the legs, flipping him up in the air and then swallowing him whole.

The townspeople arrived just in time to watch his legs kick once, then disappear.

Steve from the hardware store took a sip of his beer. “Fuck around and find out.”

Art and story by Hal Hefner.
Produced by Catmonkey Studio